August 5, 2009

Not Paula!!

Source: DListed
Baby Jesus is crying at this very moment, along with all the unicorns, rainbows, puppies and kittens that rejoiced in the miracle that was Adam F. Lambert this season. Why? Because Paula Abdul will not be returning to American Idol this season.

Fox might as well pack up shop and let the Idol columns fall on Seacrest once and for all because without Paula's running vodka-laced commentary on each contestant's heart and soul and color of their aura and how her chihuahua would react to the performance, there is really no need to watch.

Paula Tweetered yesterday that those cruel, heartless bastards (otherwise known as the Idol producers) wouldn't meet her salary demands, forcing her to take her unicorn and rainbow show elsewhere. Apparently Paula was raking in around $2 million last season (which is an awful lot of vodka shots) but thought she deserved $10 million. Hey, there is no true price tag for drunken and/or stoned commentary.

Those amounts may seem extreme until you realize that Seacrest and his highlights signed a contract for $45 million for 3 years, and Sassy Pants is getting $100 million per season. Yes, that's right. Per season. So Sassy Pants really should be ditching the grays and blacks, turning that frown upside down and flying his freak flag because he certainly schooled Fox.

I dread to think how dull Idol will be next season. Who is going to bring the crazy? Not Sassy Pants. Certainly not Seacrest. Kara is too busy trying to be relevant. And Randy and his big honking watch and Mr. Rogers cardigans is too busy name dropping and inserting as many "dawg"s and "hawt"s into his commentary to distract you from realizing he's really not giving a commentary.

Sadness.

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